


Dewees and the Battle of the Flora

by dapatty



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Crack, Gen, Plants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-09
Updated: 2013-10-09
Packaged: 2017-12-28 22:23:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dapatty/pseuds/dapatty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's his backyard damnit.  He will not be defeated by the creeping wisteria.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dewees and the Battle of the Flora

**Author's Note:**

  * For [akamine_chan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamine_chan/gifts).



> Aka mentioned that she wanted a fic of Dewees fighting wisteria because of twitter. This probably wasn't quite what she had in mind. /0\

The morning was crisp with a touch of golden light peeking through the maple trees at the edge of the yard. Everything would be completely picturesque except for how the periwinkle wisteria had crept over half the backyard overnight, it’s branches creeping to wrap around the porch railing even as Dewees glared at it. 

“This is completely fucking ridiculous,” Dewees decided, sipping his coffee as he scowled out his kitchen window looking at the mess of his backyard. He started to formulate a plan. 

Seriously, what sort of respectable garden store sold _actual_ creeping wisteria that _actually_ creeped at horror movie levels of growth. Clearly, this wisteria was some sort of mad scientist lab creation or possibly just a hybrid that _really_ loves Long Island weather. It might even be sentient. That sort of shit _should_ have been on the label so Dewees could have been fully informed as a consumer. Either way, he would have to go to war on his garden. There wasn’t anyway around it. It would be messy. It would involve chainsaws and garden shears and get pollen _everywhere_. 

Dewees sat his coffee cup down on the counter and went to prepare. He dug out his coveralls with questionable stains and bright yellow rubber boots and found his favorite hockey mask in his underwear drawer. Finally, he pulled the machete from under his bed. He’d have to use the machete to make it over to his garden shed where the chainsaw lived.

When he made it back downstairs, his bulldogs regarded him with looks of _Good luck Boss. Also, you look like a serial killer. Hey is there any bacon?_

He gave them a nod, pushed the hockey mask down on his face and stalked toward the back door. 

Throwing open the door with a flourish, he yelled, “You picked the wrong backyard to pollinate WISTERIA!!!!” He charged, slamming the door behind him and whacking at the tendrils of branches that had crept over half the porch. The branches gave little creaks of terror and released a cloud of pollen. 

The ensuing carnage wasn’t pretty, either for person or flora, but ended in threats of fire and ultimately a negotiation where Dewees had to concede a corner of his garden and the wisteria promised to leave the rest of the yard alone if he would _just stop chopping, for pity’s sake_. Dewees was totally fine with that because he’d ended up with his own sentient wisteria defense system. Gerard will be _so_ jealous when he finds out.


End file.
